Good relationships are intentional. When you value a relationship, you’re invested in it. You stay in learning mode. You pay attention to what’s going on at all times and respond in ways that strengthen the relationship. But even in the best of relationships, things happen: misunderstandings, hurt feelings, unspoken and unmet expectations. People get upset, talk past each other, pull away and dig in their heels. They stop listening.
From day one, Josh and Sam had an immediate connection. They started at the company on the same day, worked in the same department, but reported to different leaders. Several times a week, they ate lunch and worked out together, often talking about how to advance their careers.
A position was posted that was perfect for Josh. He and Sam discussed it in great detail and Sam helped Josh prepare for his interview. Josh thought he had a good shot at the position, but unfortunately, he wasn’t selected to move forward in the process. Josh was really disappointed.
He wanted to talk to Sam about it, but he saw Sam having lunch with the hiring leader the same day he received his rejection letter. What was Sam doing? What were they talking about? Josh was furious!
Sam tried to follow up with Josh on his interview, but Josh kept putting him off. Josh was hearing from others that Sam was being considered for the position he wanted. He couldn’t believe his friend would stab him in the back like that. Sam continued to reach out to Josh hoping they would go to lunch like they used to do, but Josh always had an excuse. He had become sarcastic with Sam and dismissive of their friendship. Sam backed away. Three months later, the strong connection they once had, was now a thin thread.
A simple issue, left unattended, can grow to the point where the relationship is a risk.
Do You Value the Relationship?
Good relationships require good communication between imperfect people. When you don’t want to listen, you’re closing a door that needs to remain open. How do things get resolved if you’re not talking?
Josh was angry and he didn’t want to listen. He knew what he thought and didn’t consider that he could be wrong. But Sam was his friend. Wasn’t that friendship worth a discussion?If Josh had taken a step back and asked himself what was most important at this moment in his relationship with Sam, his decision would have been different.
Your decision will influence the relationship or your relationship will influence the decision.
Focus your attention on the person, not yourself.
Josh wasn’t ready to hear anything Sam had to say. He was mad. But when you care about the relationship, you have to put your feelings aside and to consider another side.There is more than one!
What if Josh chose to tell Sam about his concerns and gave him the opportunity to explain? He would have learned that the hiring leader wanted to meet with Sam to talk about the position, but Sam told him he was flattered, but not interested. Sam chose not to pursue the position because he knew Josh wanted it. Wow! What a friend!
Quiet your mind. Minimize distractions, especially the voices in your head. Allow yourself to listen and learn. The relationship is worth your time.
Hear the words. Feel the emotions.
Words matter. Some people are very deliberate with their choice of words and how they communicate. You don’t have to agree. It’s their time to talk, not yours. Fight back the urge to critique or defend.
What if Josh just exploded on Sam? Sam could easily feel the need to defend himself and then they’d get lost in a sea of words and accusations and it would get ugly really fast. Sam could choose to be empathetic, because he knew how much Josh wanted the position. He also knew how much Josh’s friendship meant to him.
Don’t dismiss the message because of the messenger. Pay attention to the emotions being expressed.
Focus on what you’re learning about the person and the issue. Words + emotions + relationship = meaning and importance.
Show respect and openness with your body language.
Everyone has a need to be heard and everyone can meet that need for another person. It’s called showing respect. Don’t just pay lip service. Sincerely listen or wait until you can. People know when they’re being respected or just tolerated. Respect is the bridge that enables us to move forward together.
Your body language needs to reflect your sincere decision to listen. Maintain eye contact without staring. Lean forward to hear better. Nod to show understanding. Make sure your facial expressions are inviting and caring. Your body language needs to match your intent.
Ask questions to engage, clarify and understand
Questions show interest. When you don’t want to listen, you’re not really interested in asking questions. But asking questions isn’t about you. It’s about connecting with the other person and strengthening the relationship.
Good, open-ended questions go a long way to engage, bring clarity and facilitate understanding.
Consider these starter questions.
- Can you tell me more about _____?
- What else do you want me to know?
- Here’s what I heard. Is that what you said?
- Is there anything I need to do differently?
- How can avoid getting here again?
The next time you don’t want to listen, ask yourself why and remember what’s at risk – your relationship. What you choose to do next, will strengthen your relationship or push it further away.
Here’s a simple way to hear when you don’t want to listen:
I – Take the Initiative to listen.
H – Hear the words. Feel the emotions.
E – Expect to learn something new.
A – Ask questions to engage, clarify and understand.
R – show Respect at all times.
U – Understand that relationships get stronger when you choose to listen