This isn’t a question! These three little words and a question mark have a big impact on communication.
Communication is a skill that we must diligently work on. We are always changing and need to work hard to keep the lines of communication open and flowing. No one gets it right 100% of the time! We are all a work in progress.
In this four-part series, we’ll look at how each of these words can help and hinder communication and relationships.
PART 1 – The Challenge of BUT
Have you ever noticed how often you say the word “BUT” in a day and why you use it? You probably use it more than you think and the way you use it may be surprising!
Several years ago, I noticed that at some point during a conversation, especially when I was enthusiastic or passionate, the other person would get quiet or physically back away a bit. What was I doing? What was going on?
I started paying attention when this happened. I realized that in all my zeal, I was being dismissive of the other person, simply by using BUT as my first response. But, what about… But, you know…But, but, but! Wow! I used that word a lot. I was unaware that I was sabotaging one of my favorite things in life – a good conversation. Was I hurting my relationships too?
I decided to do some research. I tested my epiphany with several co-workers. They too, were shocked at how often they used the word BUT. When they used BUT as their first response, they also noticed the other person had a similar reaction that affected the flow of the conversation. It was a key learning for all of us.
You may want to do some of your own research. You’ll be surprised what you find.
Here are some ways BUT can hinder communication:
- Starting your response with the word BUT: But, it isn’t always that way.You aren’t acknowledging what the other person said before you go into what you want to say. It feels dismissive. Everyone has a need to be heard.
Better: I hear you. I get it (acknowledge). Pause (count to 3), then share your thoughts.
Limit your use of BUT as your first response. When you don’t, it will negatively affect your relationships. When a person is heard, it allows them to hear. Joining two sentences together that should be separate: I’m really excited about your new job, but I’m a little concerned you didn’t talk to me first. When you connect these two sentences with BUT, anything before BUT is negated. It’s like it doesn’t matter. By separating the sentences, they remain two thoughts that can stand on their own.
Better: I’m really excited about your new job! Pause (count to 3). I’m a little concerned you didn’t talk to me before deciding.
When I first learned how to do this, I literally had to stop myself mid-sentence and say the word period at the end of the first sentence. It became a running joke because others knew I was teaching myself how keep the sentences separate. I still do this, because it takes a lot of practice, but it’s worth it!
- Giving a backhanded compliment: You did a great job on that project, but next time, you should make tweaks to your graphics. What do you think the person heard – the compliment or the criticism?
Better: You did a great job on the project!
Just give a compliment. You don’t need to add your opinion.
BUT can be helpful when used to:
- Show contrast: Both Jayson and Derik are qualified for the position, but Jayson has stronger communication skills.
First, you’re showing similarities and then highlighting the difference.
- Identify opportunity: I think we’ve covered all the bases, but what are we missing?
This is helpful in drawing out more possibilities. In this case, BUT is being used to invite others to think beyond the obvious.
The challenge of BUT is to remain aware of when and how you use it. It affects how you communicate, which affects your relationships. A good practice for better communication is to pay attention, watch the reaction of others and adjust quickly to keep the lines open and flowing.